The wall that doesn't want to budge

Right now, I’m going through a failure of not being able to show my emotions. No matter how much I like someone, I have trouble showing that. This comes from my past relationships that taught me not to show too much emotion unless I know it’s the truth, because showing too much emotion can hurt the other person. Emotions should be an easy thing to show, but something gets lost in-between my brain and my mouth, it never quite comes out how I want to say it. I think this stems from a certain past relationship where I said “I love you” like it was nothing. Once the relationship was over I realized I was way too young and too immature to truly know what love meant. But instead of learning from this, and showing how I actually feel, I’m afraid to show anything. I am failing to reveal my true self to those around me and there’s nothing I can do. I try so hard to break down the wall that is stopping me from showing strong emotion, but it just doesn’t want to budge.

My Happy Place

  

 

My Happy Place
http://www.kalmarvillage.com/

Since I was born, my mom’s side of the family has gone to North Truro, Cape Cod, all 20+ of us. My grandma, grandpa, their five kids, their 5 spouses, and 9 grandkids. Every year, as long as I can remember, I have looked forward to the second to last week in August. Looking forward to a week full of family, laughing, and eating. This trip was a tradition full of traditions. We would go fishing on a boat called the “Cee Jay”, eat lobster at Moby Dick’s, Get ice cream at the fish tank place (that’s what I know it as), go mini golfing, go to the flee market, go to the drive in movie, and so on. The most important tradition to my Grandma was the family picture. Every year my Grandparents would buy the same shirt for all 20 or so of us, and we would line up in height order on the boardwalk for our annual family picture. There are about 10 of these pictures in circulation around our houses, you can see all of the grandkids moving up in the height order, and the aunts and grandma moving down. The trip didn’t change much over the past 10+ years, but I didn’t mind. I’m not a big fan of change, and neither is most of the family. Even though the tip of Cape Cod is hundreds of miles away, it felt like a second home to me. Going there was routine, and didn’t even feel like a vacation, but a getaway from life, right before school started. Being on the cape was comforting, and reminded me of how strong of a family I had. This past summer, on July 31^st, my Grandma passed away. This left our family heartbroken, she was the matriarch of our family, organizing everything and loving everyone equally at the same time. She may have been retired but she had a fulltime job as a loving grandmother. One of the first things I remember talking about was whether or not we were going to go to Cape Cod two weeks later. My grandpa was hesitant, but we all made sure he was there. This trip was very difficult without her there. We stayed at a different place, went to different restaurants, to distract ourselves from her absence. Nothing we did could stop the constant amazing memories of her from flooding our heads. I tried to tell my mom, aunt, and grandpa, who were hit hardest from this tragedy, that these memories were good things, and that she did her job by leaving us with such amazing memories. All of this sadness showed me that my “Happy Place” wasn’t exactly Cape Cod, but being with my Grandma.



Just Keep Looking...

 

I don't remember actually ever reading this book, but it somehow made its way into my brain. This book triggered my fascination with dreaming and imagination. Just the fact that he could interact with monsters amazed me. It probably took me a few years to realize one can't simply talk to monsters, but my imagination and dreams only grew. The real world gets boring at times, so I learned to just close my eyes and imagine whatever I want. Having an elaborate imagination kept me entertained as a child, especially having two sisters that did everything together. This had led to my obsession with dreaming now, sometimes I actually go to sleep early just to dream.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy life, I just love dreaming and not knowing what will come into my mind that night.